I Need to Get Back into Writing this thing....

Maybe tomorrow? Maybe....

Body Rhythms

I think there is a circadian rhythm for depression and anxiety.

I have no basis for this, but it makes sense. I wax and wane, between normalcy and autism. I haven't felt like writing lately, or more accurately when I open the window, my brain shuts off and writer's block sets in. I then decide I should be doing something.

Maybe it has to do with stress?

All that should be coming to an end, the housing crisis has been averted, all that remains is to sign. I may have away around the stuff limbo and storage unit too. Professionally I have come to conclusion my work wants to promote me. The extra money, security, and time off will force the stress level even lower.

I will be able to focus on my personal life, visit people I have neglected, and building up my new friendships. I am so looking forward to travel. If all goes as planned, a return to California family and friends should happen in January, a respite from the cold, though in truth I'd prefer October. I just don't see that happening. I don't want a bunch of work friends, but that might be a good start...along with the new roommates. I think I am at the point where I can build my own network, but just need a little push to go find new people.

After all, I am trapped inside my head so much, a push is just what I need.

Tugging the Heart Strings

Whenever I listen to Stars, I can't help but feel reflective. Something about their music makes me think of relationships. The ones I've had, the one I am in at the time, those with friends, and those that have been torn apart.

The exception to this is their album "In Our Bedroom After The War", because it was my theme to Obama's Inauguration.

Looking back makes me sad sometimes, I have largely forgotten about the girl to whom I was engaged. I mostly look back to mistakes that were made.  The story of my relationships is fraught with bad timing. More than anything else timing stands in the way of true happiness for me.

For the first time in my life I truly feel that I am headed in the same direction as another human being, but we are separated by vast distances.

C'est la vie, I guess.

Battling the Darkness

I'm getting better, more and more, each day. I feel vastly different than I did a few months ago. Success lies all around me, I've been promoted and am currently looking around for a new literary agent for a new book.

But I still battle the darkness.

I think this is why I once again took up running. With an even greater vigor I have thrown myself into an activity. The endorphins are nice, but I do it mainly to be alone with my thoughts. I do my best thinking whilst running.

Many of the changes for the better I have made this year came to me whilst running. One of these was the conclusion that I drank too much. So I cut back, a perk of having immense will power (first demonstrated by going vegan cold turkey, then later by not masturbating or watching porn).

I didn't realise how much I drank until I really though about it. I hung out with party kids last year, so that wasn't a good gauge. I also lost a close family member which, in my family, meant a lot of drinking around the funeral. Then came summer and various vacations and drinking with people from work at the dorms. Next was fall semester and my brother visiting frequently, us drinking together for the first time.

Taking a step back (whilst taking many forward thinking), I saw a little over a year soaked in booze. So I cut way back. Not just in "Iowa City" terms, but in absolute ones as well. Except for one occasion I have not had more than 5 drinks in a night and now make it a point to not drink on consecutive nights.

I feel much better doing so, but the darkness in my head still lurks.

It may be a byproduct of the disease, depression and anxiety follow me around, constantly fight for the right to take me over. This is were running comes in, it gives me a forum to battle back. It also burns calories, so as a former fat kind- with all the baggage it entails- it brings self confidence.

Speaking of self confidence, I got an awesome email recently. I am a member of OkCupid, mainly to take quizzes and answer questions, but also because their blog has some excellent demographic analysis. They also have a couple other cool gimmicks. Well this email stated that based on click-throughs from matches and other tools, I am among the top quartile of most attractive people on the site. As such I get to see other more attractive people....blah blah blah. I'm not going to search, because of my current involvement, but it was a nice boost.

People often compliment me on certain features, but I still have the fat kid mentality. And as a person who values fact and evidence over emotion, it's nice to have some kind of empirical evidence. And it was nice to have this be holistic in nature, as opposed to certain features. When I shave my head I often get compliments about the shape of my head (apparently it is quite enviable) and I have had a number of girls comment on my eyelashes and softness of my hair, again not something to shout from the rooftops.

I have a counter balance now that I did not have before. I have tools to battle back the darkness and insecurity.

That's new and quite nice.

Sometimes I'm an Internet Failure

"Internet Failure" is a term I coined a couple years ago, basically it is a laziness in returning emails. I've been putting off certain things again, not that I want to, it just kind of happens. It isn't like before, where a gripping anxiety prevented me from confronting what lay before. This time I'm just too damn busy.

Last I week I celebrated three years since my broken engagement. The fight happened May 31st, my late night email June 5th, and her response June 6th. We spoke again on June 23th, for a short while. She was at her parents and could not have been more disconnected from reality. That's were she went to hide. By the time we were done speaking it was clear we were over. I had enough crazy and was headed out.

I talked to my roommate about it after, we both knew she would not change, and that it was time to move on. It hurt. I was heartbroken. But I don't regret it. I was unhappy for a while, but had reached the point of no return.

I was given a free pass. I took it.

I have cake now. It's a party, with June 6th as my chosen date. I didn't see then, neither of us did, but we were over long before, that was merely the tipping point. Why cake? Because it is a celebration, of the man I am today looking back on the person I was then.



This story reminds me of a few parts of Bayside's "What and What Not".

I Don't Fight With My Friends

I noticed this today.

Of the people I consider my best friends (those saved to the SIM card of every cell phone), I have never had a major argument with any of them.

We've discussed philosophies of life, choices made, and such with disagreement, but never anything where I thought "I wonder if I can still be friends with this person". That means one of two things:

1. I have chosen really similar people for friends, so there is little area to argue over, mainly on the fringes...stuff we don't care about much to begin with.
2. I avoid having arguments at all. This seems far less likely, there are only a couple times I had issues with them, but they blew over kind of quickly.

I consider this somewhat impressive because I have known 4 of them for a decade and a couple since I moved here in 2004. Good job me. Or good job them?

Let's call it a tie.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

The Smiths' version, not the Anberlin version. Not that I have anything against Anberlin, they just don't have Morrissey. That's a big deficit to overcome. I keep meaning to write here, but keep putting it off at the same.

May is always a good month for me, everyone else is stressed out about finals, while I merely hum along getting ready for primaries. I presented my strategy for the midterms a couple times. It went over well, as did my strategy memos.

Even though I've written two books and have a 3 times weekly music column, I am still kind of surprised when people refer to me as "being a good writer" or "having a nice style/voice". Even when I write about a novel subject for me it is well received.