The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

After I proposed to Ashley someone once said their "opinion of my intelligence has changed a little". That stuck with me, as an example of how I need to listen to my friends and let them say what needs to be said. I feel the same way about the person that said that currently.

I want to say it, be able to say it, but I can't. I remember being in that frame of mind. It didn't matter what crazy shit Ashley did, I was able to look past it. First it was little things, then gradually bigger and bigger. Eventually I realized "What the Fuck am I doing?" but I was too far along to make a clean break. After a while I finally stood my ground and said "If you don't call me to talk about this, we are done". No call. I kept my word. We spoke once, during the course of moving to our new apartments. Not since, though. I am pretty sure I would lose my cool that I am famous for. When we do see each other in passing, I laugh. I can see she is the same and I can't help it.

I see one of my best friends heading down that same path. It's like being on the other side of the mirror watching that part of my life unfold for someone else. I want to say something, but it will only lead to hurt. And more importantly, it wont matter. You see what you want to, you can justify anything when you are in love.

I stand by my previous statement. The friend I knew no longer exists. The person I knew had a take on the world, never back down, "Fuck It!" attitude and an independence of spirit that was unmatched. That part of my friend isn't there. It seems more like the person when we first met in high school, than the person that became my best friend in college. I see an unhealthy relationship with someone I am certain will break my friend and once again I am helpless.

I still have hope, but it's fleeting.

I have always been there to listen, agreeing when needed. But despite my being "Most Opinionated" in my school, I have never said my mind. If things don't change soon, that might...

What Used to Be

It seems more and more this year moves along, people I consider my best friends continue to prove me wrong. Maybe it's just a case of disappearing into relationships, leaving everything else in the shadows. I can't really blame them, because I did that once.

But I get this sinking feeling that two people I used to know simply don't exist anymore. And haven't for a while. Emails, Phone Calls, and even Texts all either unanswered or taking days/weeks to return. I am much the same person I was in October, so that can't be it.

These two new people are not my friends. If we met today, I wouldn't be friends with either.

That is the most frustrating part. Two people I knew for a decade each disappeared basically overnight.  I can't do a fucking thing about it and it's eating me inside. I even started treating them the same way, ignoring them randomly.

It seems like they don't care or notice. I am glad I'm staying in Iowa City for the foreseeable future, leaving this place changes people. And not in a good way.

It turns friends into unfriends. Definitely feeling about 4 different parts of this Alkaline Trio song right now.

A New Beginning

There was a time I wrote about myself. I didn't talk about music or politics, just what I felt. I am doing that again. I could use a little catharsis.

Well were to start? I am getting promoted. It's not a huge step, but it works out to an extra $2,000/year and a week more vacation. For a long time I felt like I was moving sideways, but now it is clear I am moving forward. That's a feeling I haven't had in a while. I've also seen a lot of personal growth, too.

In a lot of ways getting frostbite was one of the best things ever to happen to me. It gave me time to think, where I was headed and what I was doing. I didn't like it, so I changed. I made a lot of small steps, but the biggest parts still elude me. It'll happen. I know it.


I am still waiting to hear about my house next year, but I am hopeful. This town is becoming a place I can stay awhile. The more I hear about California, the more I think I was distracted by the shiny and fun. I am still not sure if Iowa City is where I belong, but I don't need to get away. I like that. I just wish my best friends were here, I'd even take them being on the same continent.