When I was kid this used to bug me, since I was usually the only one awake at the party after 2am. I always won the "staying up all night" challenge. After a decade with insomnia I consider it a skill. I can function at 100% up until about 40 hours or so.
Anyway I didn't sleep last night, though walking home at sunrise was nice. I've seen so many I don't give them much thought now. Every once in a while they are special again.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Roommates, Toys, and the China Connection
I always seem to have the worst luck with roommates. All of my roommates have been like shitty Chinese toys.
They are fun when you first get them. Then, after a couple months you get bored with them. Finally after about 6-8 months they just break. And you start thinking "Why the fuck did I pick them again?" One of them is good, one of them less so. Both suck at certain things.
Dishes and trash is the biggest struggle. Neither of them know how to load a dishwasher, a sad commentary in itself. Knives are pointing up, bowls everywhere. Water doesn't magically wash the top rack, it needs to make it there first. I basically am the only person running it, and unless I leave it open after cleaning, the only one putting them away too.
Today I had enough, the shitty one decided to leave a sink full of dirty dishes when she went away for the weekend. She came back and they were still there. I wrote a note asking her to clean them.
She cleaned her mess. And left a passive-aggressive note about how she is the only one cleaning the bathroom sink and toilet.
Because she totally does that 2-3 times a week...in addition to vacuuming, recycling, and unclogging drains. No I do all that and wait broke for her to give me rent a week late.
No wonder dentists have such a high suicide rate. I'd hate myself too if I were such a self-righteous bitch.
They are fun when you first get them. Then, after a couple months you get bored with them. Finally after about 6-8 months they just break. And you start thinking "Why the fuck did I pick them again?" One of them is good, one of them less so. Both suck at certain things.
Dishes and trash is the biggest struggle. Neither of them know how to load a dishwasher, a sad commentary in itself. Knives are pointing up, bowls everywhere. Water doesn't magically wash the top rack, it needs to make it there first. I basically am the only person running it, and unless I leave it open after cleaning, the only one putting them away too.
Today I had enough, the shitty one decided to leave a sink full of dirty dishes when she went away for the weekend. She came back and they were still there. I wrote a note asking her to clean them.
She cleaned her mess. And left a passive-aggressive note about how she is the only one cleaning the bathroom sink and toilet.
Because she totally does that 2-3 times a week...in addition to vacuuming, recycling, and unclogging drains. No I do all that and wait broke for her to give me rent a week late.
No wonder dentists have such a high suicide rate. I'd hate myself too if I were such a self-righteous bitch.
Monday, April 19, 2010
"Home" Isn't There Anymore
I went home last week to see a concert and spent time with my parents for the first time since I got frost bite. 3 months roughly. One thing became astoundingly clear, it isn't home anymore.
When I did my taxes, I put Johnson County as my residence, even though it meant I owed $1 (again) instead of getting $13 back. Iowa City is where I live, where use the city services, so I wanted to pay my share. My dad didn't understand why I'd rather pay than get money back. I guess it shows our differences, I gladly pay more when I get more value in something.
So in that sense, Iowa City is where I live, but until last week I never really considered it "home" in the traditional sense. As I sat in the Chinese restaurant waiting for my Ma Pa Tofu to arrive, my parents and our neighbors down the street spent the whole time talking about health issues. Sometimes their own, sometimes others.
I have never been so palpably bored.
Des Moines is where I go to see my family. I never really felt any attachment to my Sioux City family, and I haven't to that reunion in 4 years now. Iowa City isn't home either. It's where I live and work, but that's it. My best friends are all in other places and I don't have a significant other here.
The only thing keeping me here is my desire to live in a co-op house.
It's odd to feel like you have neither home nor family either, despite their physical presence. I can't decide whether that's the adopted person or the autistic person showing through, I'd venture both play their part.
Looking back on first three years of college, two in the dorms and then apartment with friends, I don't really feel any attachment to that either. I was less bored, as there was more to do with a greater number of people, but I'm not sure I was really happy.
As an atheist I perfectly fine being alone in the universe, however I am not fine being alone on the Earth. So I have begun reaching out again, this time without such unattainable standards. I guess that means I'm slumming it...
When I did my taxes, I put Johnson County as my residence, even though it meant I owed $1 (again) instead of getting $13 back. Iowa City is where I live, where use the city services, so I wanted to pay my share. My dad didn't understand why I'd rather pay than get money back. I guess it shows our differences, I gladly pay more when I get more value in something.
So in that sense, Iowa City is where I live, but until last week I never really considered it "home" in the traditional sense. As I sat in the Chinese restaurant waiting for my Ma Pa Tofu to arrive, my parents and our neighbors down the street spent the whole time talking about health issues. Sometimes their own, sometimes others.
I have never been so palpably bored.
Des Moines is where I go to see my family. I never really felt any attachment to my Sioux City family, and I haven't to that reunion in 4 years now. Iowa City isn't home either. It's where I live and work, but that's it. My best friends are all in other places and I don't have a significant other here.
The only thing keeping me here is my desire to live in a co-op house.
It's odd to feel like you have neither home nor family either, despite their physical presence. I can't decide whether that's the adopted person or the autistic person showing through, I'd venture both play their part.
Looking back on first three years of college, two in the dorms and then apartment with friends, I don't really feel any attachment to that either. I was less bored, as there was more to do with a greater number of people, but I'm not sure I was really happy.
As an atheist I perfectly fine being alone in the universe, however I am not fine being alone on the Earth. So I have begun reaching out again, this time without such unattainable standards. I guess that means I'm slumming it...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I've Got Some Issues That Nobody Can See
"I've got some issues that nobody can seeSo goes the refrain to Kid Cudi's "Soundtrack 2 My Life". Preceded by the line "But they all didn't see, the little bit of sadness in me, Scotty".
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life" -Kid Cudi
I was depressed for a while recently. I realized didn't like the feeling. Depression and Anxiety are part of me. There is nothing I can do to avoid this double threat to my happiness. It's just something I have to cope with. Part of that coping is recognition. Part is action. The latter is the reason for one of my great shames. I tan.
My depression is largely due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. There isn't enough sun in the winter, so I get blue. I know it's bad for my skin, but my overall well-being comes first. As a vegan I get plenty antioxidants, and besides I'm not going for day glow orange.It also helps me be more confident and assertive, which helps the anxiety. A win-win of sorts.
But, back to the title of the post here. One of the things I love about that song is that it reminds me that everyone has their baggage. Friends share your baggage, after all it's heavy and you have places to go. There is no way you can carry all that shit on your own. Some friends get more baggage because they are stronger emotionally.
I won't even get into the romantic baggage. Speaking of which I started dreaming when I sleep again. No good can come from that.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The Difference A Year Makes
Last year I was awoken with news that my last remaining grandparent had died. Damn, it felt good to sleep in today.
I had not spent much time thinking about it until recently. Most of the talk was with my mom about grandma's estate and the stress related to that. The other mentions were in passing, comments and jokes to my dad about how much my mother had changed. She was under so much stress for so long, she could finally relax and have fun. We went on a whim roadtrip weekend to Minneapolis in May and we all knew things had changed.
Sure there was emotion and crying from time to time, and I am sure there things still heavy on the heart for her. (Funny as I wrote that "Everybody's Hurting" by Jakob Dylan came on.) She has changed though, she became a superfan. Even to the point of dragging my dad to Nebraska games and taking over his new man cave in our basement. I even have a suspicion that she ended up forced certain aspect of the red and white man cave upon him.
There have also been changes for me. It's been a weird 365 days.
The biggest change came as sat in the church and at the grave site for the funeral. Everyone kept talking GOD and the ever after. There was no one to turn to. I wasn't a believer and I hadn't been for sometime. I was then I decided to tell that harsh truth to my parents. It ended up taking about to 6 months to build up the courage (and be in the same place as the both of them).
It was hard. There was crying. I was called names from a bad person to evil and told that if I didn't believe I was going to hell. I was not afraid and these threats only furthered my resolve. What else can turn rational people, your parents even, into illogical creatures hurling epithets and foaming at the mouth? (poetic license here)
This came full circle today when I was woke to a text from my dad reading:
The spelling/grammar errors have been "faithfully" reproduced
It is clear what was true a year ago is still true, sadly.
I didn't go home today. I was told that if I did, I was attending church. So I didn't go. The Easter holiday and going to church may be "family time" for some. But it isn't for me. And such an ultimatum only makes me feel more isolated from the rest of my family.
Then again the first my dad said when I told him I was vegan were "You're not gay, are you?" I even had to buy and cook my own food until I graduated. It was only after our mutual doctor told him that I "had the healthiest blood he had ever seen" that he relented. As with religion he couldn't trust my opinion. I had done my research, I knew my stuff. I have eidetic memory so I can back up my statements.
The two biggest and most personal decisions in my life and I got no support from the people who are supposed to be there for everything. It's just so very frustrating that your parents don't trust you to make the right decisions or believe what you say is true. It may be news to them, but it isn't new to me.
The world isn't a scary place, it's beautiful and complex. There isn't a devil out to get me either.
I had not spent much time thinking about it until recently. Most of the talk was with my mom about grandma's estate and the stress related to that. The other mentions were in passing, comments and jokes to my dad about how much my mother had changed. She was under so much stress for so long, she could finally relax and have fun. We went on a whim roadtrip weekend to Minneapolis in May and we all knew things had changed.
Sure there was emotion and crying from time to time, and I am sure there things still heavy on the heart for her. (Funny as I wrote that "Everybody's Hurting" by Jakob Dylan came on.) She has changed though, she became a superfan. Even to the point of dragging my dad to Nebraska games and taking over his new man cave in our basement. I even have a suspicion that she ended up forced certain aspect of the red and white man cave upon him.
There have also been changes for me. It's been a weird 365 days.
The biggest change came as sat in the church and at the grave site for the funeral. Everyone kept talking GOD and the ever after. There was no one to turn to. I wasn't a believer and I hadn't been for sometime. I was then I decided to tell that harsh truth to my parents. It ended up taking about to 6 months to build up the courage (and be in the same place as the both of them).
It was hard. There was crying. I was called names from a bad person to evil and told that if I didn't believe I was going to hell. I was not afraid and these threats only furthered my resolve. What else can turn rational people, your parents even, into illogical creatures hurling epithets and foaming at the mouth? (poetic license here)
This came full circle today when I was woke to a text from my dad reading:
Jesus redefined Christian hope by his crucifiction, death and raising to life. He is RISEN! Happy Easter! Love YouI replied "Remember, dont let the zombie bite you." And got this in return:
you will say as you please. You say you believe in FACTS but must be only your. Concocted facts not truth. Love you
The spelling/grammar errors have been "faithfully" reproduced
It is clear what was true a year ago is still true, sadly.
I didn't go home today. I was told that if I did, I was attending church. So I didn't go. The Easter holiday and going to church may be "family time" for some. But it isn't for me. And such an ultimatum only makes me feel more isolated from the rest of my family.
Then again the first my dad said when I told him I was vegan were "You're not gay, are you?" I even had to buy and cook my own food until I graduated. It was only after our mutual doctor told him that I "had the healthiest blood he had ever seen" that he relented. As with religion he couldn't trust my opinion. I had done my research, I knew my stuff. I have eidetic memory so I can back up my statements.
The two biggest and most personal decisions in my life and I got no support from the people who are supposed to be there for everything. It's just so very frustrating that your parents don't trust you to make the right decisions or believe what you say is true. It may be news to them, but it isn't new to me.
The world isn't a scary place, it's beautiful and complex. There isn't a devil out to get me either.
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