Battling the Darkness

I'm getting better, more and more, each day. I feel vastly different than I did a few months ago. Success lies all around me, I've been promoted and am currently looking around for a new literary agent for a new book.

But I still battle the darkness.

I think this is why I once again took up running. With an even greater vigor I have thrown myself into an activity. The endorphins are nice, but I do it mainly to be alone with my thoughts. I do my best thinking whilst running.

Many of the changes for the better I have made this year came to me whilst running. One of these was the conclusion that I drank too much. So I cut back, a perk of having immense will power (first demonstrated by going vegan cold turkey, then later by not masturbating or watching porn).

I didn't realise how much I drank until I really though about it. I hung out with party kids last year, so that wasn't a good gauge. I also lost a close family member which, in my family, meant a lot of drinking around the funeral. Then came summer and various vacations and drinking with people from work at the dorms. Next was fall semester and my brother visiting frequently, us drinking together for the first time.

Taking a step back (whilst taking many forward thinking), I saw a little over a year soaked in booze. So I cut way back. Not just in "Iowa City" terms, but in absolute ones as well. Except for one occasion I have not had more than 5 drinks in a night and now make it a point to not drink on consecutive nights.

I feel much better doing so, but the darkness in my head still lurks.

It may be a byproduct of the disease, depression and anxiety follow me around, constantly fight for the right to take me over. This is were running comes in, it gives me a forum to battle back. It also burns calories, so as a former fat kind- with all the baggage it entails- it brings self confidence.

Speaking of self confidence, I got an awesome email recently. I am a member of OkCupid, mainly to take quizzes and answer questions, but also because their blog has some excellent demographic analysis. They also have a couple other cool gimmicks. Well this email stated that based on click-throughs from matches and other tools, I am among the top quartile of most attractive people on the site. As such I get to see other more attractive people....blah blah blah. I'm not going to search, because of my current involvement, but it was a nice boost.

People often compliment me on certain features, but I still have the fat kid mentality. And as a person who values fact and evidence over emotion, it's nice to have some kind of empirical evidence. And it was nice to have this be holistic in nature, as opposed to certain features. When I shave my head I often get compliments about the shape of my head (apparently it is quite enviable) and I have had a number of girls comment on my eyelashes and softness of my hair, again not something to shout from the rooftops.

I have a counter balance now that I did not have before. I have tools to battle back the darkness and insecurity.

That's new and quite nice.