I broke my right wing

I Need to Get Back into Writing this thing....

2010-10-24T18:26:00.001-07:00

Maybe tomorrow? Maybe....

Body Rhythms

2010-07-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

I think there is a circadian rhythm for depression and anxiety.

I have no basis for this, but it makes sense. I wax and wane, between normalcy and autism. I haven't felt like writing lately, or more accurately when I open the window, my brain shuts off and writer's block sets in. I then decide I should be doing something.

Maybe it has to do with stress?

All that should be coming to an end, the housing crisis has been averted, all that remains is to sign. I may have away around the stuff limbo and storage unit too. Professionally I have come to conclusion my work wants to promote me. The extra money, security, and time off will force the stress level even lower.

I will be able to focus on my personal life, visit people I have neglected, and building up my new friendships. I am so looking forward to travel. If all goes as planned, a return to California family and friends should happen in January, a respite from the cold, though in truth I'd prefer October. I just don't see that happening. I don't want a bunch of work friends, but that might be a good start...along with the new roommates. I think I am at the point where I can build my own network, but just need a little push to go find new people.

After all, I am trapped inside my head so much, a push is just what I need.

Tugging the Heart Strings

2010-06-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

Whenever I listen to Stars, I can't help but feel reflective. Something about their music makes me think of relationships. The ones I've had, the one I am in at the time, those with friends, and those that have been torn apart.

The exception to this is their album "In Our Bedroom After The War", because it was my theme to Obama's Inauguration.

Looking back makes me sad sometimes, I have largely forgotten about the girl to whom I was engaged. I mostly look back to mistakes that were made. The story of my relationships is fraught with bad timing. More than anything else timing stands in the way of true happiness for me.

For the first time in my life I truly feel that I am headed in the same direction as another human being, but we are separated by vast distances.

C'est la vie, I guess.

Battling the Darkness

2010-06-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm getting better, more and more, each day. I feel vastly different than I did a few months ago. Success lies all around me, I've been promoted and am currently looking around for a new literary agent for a new book.

But I still battle the darkness.

I think this is why I once again took up running. With an even greater vigor I have thrown myself into an activity. The endorphins are nice, but I do it mainly to be alone with my thoughts. I do my best thinking whilst running.

Many of the changes for the better I have made this year came to me whilst running. One of these was the conclusion that I drank too much. So I cut back, a perk of having immense will power (first demonstrated by going vegan cold turkey, then later by not masturbating or watching porn).

I didn't realise how much I drank until I really though about it. I hung out with party kids last year, so that wasn't a good gauge. I also lost a close family member which, in my family, meant a lot of drinking around the funeral. Then came summer and various vacations and drinking with people from work at the dorms. Next was fall semester and my brother visiting frequently, us drinking together for the first time.

Taking a step back (whilst taking many forward thinking), I saw a little over a year soaked in booze. So I cut way back. Not just in "Iowa City" terms, but in absolute ones as well. Except for one occasion I have not had more than 5 drinks in a night and now make it a point to not drink on consecutive nights.

I feel much better doing so, but the darkness in my head still lurks.

It may be a byproduct of the disease, depression and anxiety follow me around, constantly fight for the right to take me over. This is were running comes in, it gives me a forum to battle back. It also burns calories, so as a former fat kind- with all the baggage it entails- it brings self confidence.

Speaking of self confidence, I got an awesome email recently. I am a member of OkCupid, mainly to take quizzes and answer questions, but also because their blog has some excellent demographic analysis. They also have a couple other cool gimmicks. Well this email stated that based on click-throughs from matches and other tools, I am among the top quartile of most attractive people on the site. As such I get to see other more attractive people....blah blah blah. I'm not going to search, because of my current involvement, but it was a nice boost.

People often compliment me on certain features, but I still have the fat kid mentality. And as a person who values fact and evidence over emotion, it's nice to have some kind of empirical evidence. And it was nice to have this be holistic in nature, as opposed to certain features. When I shave my head I often get compliments about the shape of my head (apparently it is quite enviable) and I have had a number of girls comment on my eyelashes and softness of my hair, again not something to shout from the rooftops.

I have a counter balance now that I did not have before. I have tools to battle back the darkness and insecurity.

That's new and quite nice.

Sometimes I'm an Internet Failure

2010-06-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

"Internet Failure" is a term I coined a couple years ago, basically it is a laziness in returning emails. I've been putting off certain things again, not that I want to, it just kind of happens. It isn't like before, where a gripping anxiety prevented me from confronting what lay before. This time I'm just too damn busy.

Last I week I celebrated three years since my broken engagement. The fight happened May 31st, my late night email June 5th, and her response June 6th. We spoke again on June 23th, for a short while. She was at her parents and could not have been more disconnected from reality. That's were she went to hide. By the time we were done speaking it was clear we were over. I had enough crazy and was headed out.

I talked to my roommate about it after, we both knew she would not change, and that it was time to move on. It hurt. I was heartbroken. But I don't regret it. I was unhappy for a while, but had reached the point of no return.

I was given a free pass. I took it.

I have cake now. It's a party, with June 6th as my chosen date. I didn't see then, neither of us did, but we were over long before, that was merely the tipping point. Why cake? Because it is a celebration, of the man I am today looking back on the person I was then.

This story reminds me of a few parts of Bayside's "What and What Not".

I Don't Fight With My Friends

2010-05-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

I noticed this today.

Of the people I consider my best friends (those saved to the SIM card of every cell phone), I have never had a major argument with any of them.

We've discussed philosophies of life, choices made, and such with disagreement, but never anything where I thought "I wonder if I can still be friends with this person". That means one of two things:

1. I have chosen really similar people for friends, so there is little area to argue over, mainly on the fringes...stuff we don't care about much to begin with.
2. I avoid having arguments at all. This seems far less likely, there are only a couple times I had issues with them, but they blew over kind of quickly.

I consider this somewhat impressive because I have known 4 of them for a decade and a couple since I moved here in 2004. Good job me. Or good job them?

Let's call it a tie.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

2010-05-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

The Smiths' version, not the Anberlin version. Not that I have anything against Anberlin, they just don't have Morrissey. That's a big deficit to overcome. I keep meaning to write here, but keep putting it off at the same.

May is always a good month for me, everyone else is stressed out about finals, while I merely hum along getting ready for primaries. I presented my strategy for the midterms a couple times. It went over well, as did my strategy memos.

Even though I've written two books and have a 3 times weekly music column, I am still kind of surprised when people refer to me as "being a good writer" or "having a nice style/voice". Even when I write about a novel subject for me it is well received.

Sometimes I Don't Sleep

2010-04-30T04:49:00.000-07:00

When I was kid this used to bug me, since I was usually the only one awake at the party after 2am. I always won the "staying up all night" challenge. After a decade with insomnia I consider it a skill. I can function at 100% up until about 40 hours or so.

Anyway I didn't sleep last night, though walking home at sunrise was nice. I've seen so many I don't give them much thought now. Every once in a while they are special again.

Roommates, Toys, and the China Connection

2010-04-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

I always seem to have the worst luck with roommates. All of my roommates have been like shitty Chinese toys.

They are fun when you first get them. Then, after a couple months you get bored with them. Finally after about 6-8 months they just break. And you start thinking "Why the fuck did I pick them again?" One of them is good, one of them less so. Both suck at certain things.

Dishes and trash is the biggest struggle. Neither of them know how to load a dishwasher, a sad commentary in itself. Knives are pointing up, bowls everywhere. Water doesn't magically wash the top rack, it needs to make it there first. I basically am the only person running it, and unless I leave it open after cleaning, the only one putting them away too.

Today I had enough, the shitty one decided to leave a sink full of dirty dishes when she went away for the weekend. She came back and they were still there. I wrote a note asking her to clean them.

She cleaned her mess. And left a passive-aggressive note about how she is the only one cleaning the bathroom sink and toilet.

Because she totally does that 2-3 times a week...in addition to vacuuming, recycling, and unclogging drains. No I do all that and wait broke for her to give me rent a week late.

No wonder dentists have such a high suicide rate. I'd hate myself too if I were such a self-righteous bitch.

"Home" Isn't There Anymore

2010-04-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

I went home last week to see a concert and spent time with my parents for the first time since I got frost bite. 3 months roughly. One thing became astoundingly clear, it isn't home anymore.

When I did my taxes, I put Johnson County as my residence, even though it meant I owed $1 (again) instead of getting $13 back. Iowa City is where I live, where use the city services, so I wanted to pay my share. My dad didn't understand why I'd rather pay than get money back. I guess it shows our differences, I gladly pay more when I get more value in something.

So in that sense, Iowa City is where I live, but until last week I never really considered it "home" in the traditional sense. As I sat in the Chinese restaurant waiting for my Ma Pa Tofu to arrive, my parents and our neighbors down the street spent the whole time talking about health issues. Sometimes their own, sometimes others.

I have never been so palpably bored.

Des Moines is where I go to see my family. I never really felt any attachment to my Sioux City family, and I haven't to that reunion in 4 years now. Iowa City isn't home either. It's where I live and work, but that's it. My best friends are all in other places and I don't have a significant other here.

The only thing keeping me here is my desire to live in a co-op house.

It's odd to feel like you have neither home nor family either, despite their physical presence. I can't decide whether that's the adopted person or the autistic person showing through, I'd venture both play their part.

Looking back on first three years of college, two in the dorms and then apartment with friends, I don't really feel any attachment to that either. I was less bored, as there was more to do with a greater number of people, but I'm not sure I was really happy.

As an atheist I perfectly fine being alone in the universe, however I am not fine being alone on the Earth. So I have begun reaching out again, this time without such unattainable standards. I guess that means I'm slumming it...

I've Got Some Issues That Nobody Can See

2010-04-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

"I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life" -Kid Cudi

So goes the refrain to Kid Cudi's "Soundtrack 2 My Life". Preceded by the line "But they all didn't see, the little bit of sadness in me, Scotty".

I was depressed for a while recently. I realized didn't like the feeling. Depression and Anxiety are part of me. There is nothing I can do to avoid this double threat to my happiness. It's just something I have to cope with. Part of that coping is recognition. Part is action. The latter is the reason for one of my great shames. I tan.

My depression is largely due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. There isn't enough sun in the winter, so I get blue. I know it's bad for my skin, but my overall well-being comes first. As a vegan I get plenty antioxidants, and besides I'm not going for day glow orange.It also helps me be more confident and assertive, which helps the anxiety. A win-win of sorts.

But, back to the title of the post here. One of the things I love about that song is that it reminds me that everyone has their baggage. Friends share your baggage, after all it's heavy and you have places to go. There is no way you can carry all that shit on your own. Some friends get more baggage because they are stronger emotionally.

I won't even get into the romantic baggage. Speaking of which I started dreaming when I sleep again. No good can come from that.

The Difference A Year Makes

2010-04-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

Last year I was awoken with news that my last remaining grandparent had died. Damn, it felt good to sleep in today.

I had not spent much time thinking about it until recently. Most of the talk was with my mom about grandma's estate and the stress related to that. The other mentions were in passing, comments and jokes to my dad about how much my mother had changed. She was under so much stress for so long, she could finally relax and have fun. We went on a whim roadtrip weekend to Minneapolis in May and we all knew things had changed.

Sure there was emotion and crying from time to time, and I am sure there things still heavy on the heart for her. (Funny as I wrote that "Everybody's Hurting" by Jakob Dylan came on.) She has changed though, she became a superfan. Even to the point of dragging my dad to Nebraska games and taking over his new man cave in our basement. I even have a suspicion that she ended up forced certain aspect of the red and white man cave upon him.

There have also been changes for me. It's been a weird 365 days.

The biggest change came as sat in the church and at the grave site for the funeral. Everyone kept talking GOD and the ever after. There was no one to turn to. I wasn't a believer and I hadn't been for sometime. I was then I decided to tell that harsh truth to my parents. It ended up taking about to 6 months to build up the courage (and be in the same place as the both of them).

It was hard. There was crying. I was called names from a bad person to evil and told that if I didn't believe I was going to hell. I was not afraid and these threats only furthered my resolve. What else can turn rational people, your parents even, into illogical creatures hurling epithets and foaming at the mouth? (poetic license here)

This came full circle today when I was woke to a text from my dad reading:

Jesus redefined Christian hope by his crucifiction, death and raising to life. He is RISEN! Happy Easter! Love You

I replied "Remember, dont let the zombie bite you." And got this in return:

you will say as you please. You say you believe in FACTS but must be only your. Concocted facts not truth. Love you

The spelling/grammar errors have been "faithfully" reproduced

It is clear what was true a year ago is still true, sadly.

I didn't go home today. I was told that if I did, I was attending church. So I didn't go. The Easter holiday and going to church may be "family time" for some. But it isn't for me. And such an ultimatum only makes me feel more isolated from the rest of my family.

Then again the first my dad said when I told him I was vegan were "You're not gay, are you?" I even had to buy and cook my own food until I graduated. It was only after our mutual doctor told him that I "had the healthiest blood he had ever seen" that he relented. As with religion he couldn't trust my opinion. I had done my research, I knew my stuff. I have eidetic memory so I can back up my statements.

The two biggest and most personal decisions in my life and I got no support from the people who are supposed to be there for everything. It's just so very frustrating that your parents don't trust you to make the right decisions or believe what you say is true. It may be news to them, but it isn't new to me.

The world isn't a scary place, it's beautiful and complex. There isn't a devil out to get me either.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

2010-03-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

After I proposed to Ashley someone once said their "opinion of my intelligence has changed a little". That stuck with me, as an example of how I need to listen to my friends and let them say what needs to be said. I feel the same way about the person that said that currently.

I want to say it, be able to say it, but I can't. I remember being in that frame of mind. It didn't matter what crazy shit Ashley did, I was able to look past it. First it was little things, then gradually bigger and bigger. Eventually I realized "What the Fuck am I doing?" but I was too far along to make a clean break. After a while I finally stood my ground and said "If you don't call me to talk about this, we are done". No call. I kept my word. We spoke once, during the course of moving to our new apartments. Not since, though. I am pretty sure I would lose my cool that I am famous for. When we do see each other in passing, I laugh. I can see she is the same and I can't help it.

I see one of my best friends heading down that same path. It's like being on the other side of the mirror watching that part of my life unfold for someone else. I want to say something, but it will only lead to hurt. And more importantly, it wont matter. You see what you want to, you can justify anything when you are in love.

I stand by my previous statement. The friend I knew no longer exists. The person I knew had a take on the world, never back down, "Fuck It!" attitude and an independence of spirit that was unmatched. That part of my friend isn't there. It seems more like the person when we first met in high school, than the person that became my best friend in college. I see an unhealthy relationship with someone I am certain will break my friend and once again I am helpless.

I still have hope, but it's fleeting.

I have always been there to listen, agreeing when needed. But despite my being "Most Opinionated" in my school, I have never said my mind. If things don't change soon, that might...

What Used to Be

2010-03-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

It seems more and more this year moves along, people I consider my best friends continue to prove me wrong. Maybe it's just a case of disappearing into relationships, leaving everything else in the shadows. I can't really blame them, because I did that once.

But I get this sinking feeling that two people I used to know simply don't exist anymore. And haven't for a while. Emails, Phone Calls, and even Texts all either unanswered or taking days/weeks to return. I am much the same person I was in October, so that can't be it.

These two new people are not my friends. If we met today, I wouldn't be friends with either.

That is the most frustrating part. Two people I knew for a decade each disappeared basically overnight. I can't do a fucking thing about it and it's eating me inside. I even started treating them the same way, ignoring them randomly.

It seems like they don't care or notice. I am glad I'm staying in Iowa City for the foreseeable future, leaving this place changes people. And not in a good way.

It turns friends into unfriends. Definitely feeling about 4 different parts of this Alkaline Trio song right now.

A New Beginning

2010-03-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

There was a time I wrote about myself. I didn't talk about music or politics, just what I felt. I am doing that again. I could use a little catharsis.

Well were to start? I am getting promoted. It's not a huge step, but it works out to an extra $2,000/year and a week more vacation. For a long time I felt like I was moving sideways, but now it is clear I am moving forward. That's a feeling I haven't had in a while. I've also seen a lot of personal growth, too.

In a lot of ways getting frostbite was one of the best things ever to happen to me. It gave me time to think, where I was headed and what I was doing. I didn't like it, so I changed. I made a lot of small steps, but the biggest parts still elude me. It'll happen. I know it.

I am still waiting to hear about my house next year, but I am hopeful. This town is becoming a place I can stay awhile. The more I hear about California, the more I think I was distracted by the shiny and fun. I am still not sure if Iowa City is where I belong, but I don't need to get away. I like that. I just wish my best friends were here, I'd even take them being on the same continent.